Learnings is where I attempt to make sense of what I am doing, seeing, practicing throughout the month (among other verbs). It’s a place for all the ways I’m learning even when I don’t call it that.
I want a slow life full of human memories and creative tangents. And it feels like perhaps April has never spoken the word slow. The way the pace of life literally springs forward into warp speed and simultaneously stretches out into this horizon of “are we still in April?” is staggering every year. Hard to slow down, but not impossible. It’s almost like the beat of what’s next is building, all of the momentum and excitement wrapped in a classroom whisper of summer, summer, summer.
Maybe like me you’re feeling the bloodsuck of busy creep in and prevent you from luxuriating in the details of your loved one’s lives. Can I suggest… stalking them on Pinterest? I almost don’t want to share this for fear of my friends censoring their pins.
How to: navigate to their profile, select “all pins”, revel in a snapshot of where they are in this moment. The intel I gather ranges from ideas for a birthday gift (bedside carafe) or a preview into an upcoming style shift (yes wrong shoe theory!) to their attachment style (disorganized) or taste in sad poems (tumblr had to go somewhere). Maybe this is very millennial of me? Are the kids pinning? Either way, it’s worth a sneaky little shot.
NOTICING
I’m noticing how I want to know people and realizing the question is actually “how do you want to be known?” It’s like that moment when someone you think you know says something that surprises you or shares an unexpected anecdote. That’s when I remember that I will never know anyone the way I know myself. Even my sisters, especially my parents.
And while of course I respect the discourse around authenticity, I once heard a theory that personality as we think about it doesn’t exist — a constant, unchanging set of traits and tendencies. Indulge the psych major in me for a moment. If our environment and the stimuli within it shape our behavior and you only see me in a set environment, the concept of my personality you have is specific to that environment.
It calls back the middle school dilemma of who to invite to my bowling alley birthday party — school friends and swim friends, just school friends?, what about dance friends?! The core of the worry was not that these 13-year-olds couldn’t find a way to get along, it was that they knew me differently based on our shared experiences.
I’m different depending on the people, places, and things around me. What I need to remember is that everyone else in my life is too. There’s always more to learn about those I love. I want to let people tell me how they want to be known, and notice when they are trying to.
This is a poem I wrote while noticing the dynamic my middle sister Cecelia and I have grown into when she visited this month:
what a trip!
you said as we giggled our way into the car
isn’t it wild
that even grocery shopping with you becomes an adventure?
a story we will retell over orange wine next weekend,
the way my silly side comment
prompted full blown outrage from that random man
let it go,
you nurture as you rub my arm
that’s the way it is with us
the thrill of a sharp inhale
and all the warmth of an
exhale
COMPOSTING
Broken creative promises, a list:
Write an essay for substack
Finish all 30 Escapril prompts
Start the Big Scary Project in earnest
The cool think about compost is that it powers everything that’s meant to grow next. Nothing is wasted.
PRACTICING
I doubled down on “try new mediums spring” this month and went to a photography meet up with Femme Photo Club. And when we introduced ourselves I said “I’m a writer trying new forms.” Something that would have been impossible two years ago so I want to make a record of it. Then, a few weeks later a coworker invited me to his beginner hip hop class. As a lifelong ballet dancer, I’m still trying to learn how to freely move my hips. Yes, there’s video evidence. No, you can’t see it.
Just like there’s always more to learn about others, I’m practicing holding that belief in my relationship with myself. To know is a verb and we never arrive. Since as soon as we know, we shift. I am allowed to surprise myself. And in April, I did!
I want to close with a practice that stops the spiral in my brain.
The prompt I give myself is I am proud of…
Here’s a few I jotted down throughout this month:
I’m proud of the moment I realized I’ve practiced writing enough to recognize my own bad habits and where I want to improve. (huge!!! celebrate this with me!)
I’m proud of prioritizing my creativity and allowing multiple things to “count” as practice.
I’m proud of my ability to invest in new and old friendships.
I’m proud of continuing to show up here!
What are you proud of? I double dog dare you to write it in the comments!
Until next time, it’s all learning my love.
also proud of me for valiantly trying to allow my body some space to rest
I am proud of myself for accepting praise more easily recently!!! 🤡