Learnings, While Growing a Human

an incomplete reflection

Remember me? The writer who arrived promptly in your inbox each month? For everything a season, I guess. And this season has been about the tiny human who is still in-residence in my body. Surprise! I’m very pregnant. This is the first time I’m sharing about this online. When we last spoke, I had just found out. That version of myself feels foreign. I’ve learned too much since then to be the same. However, I tend to feel that way about myself every six months, with or without the growing bump.

The due date has come and gone and the only thing left to do is reflect. As I wait for angel baby to arrive, I’m looking back at the note I keep in my phone called SUBSTACK 2025. This year I have notes under March, June, and August — one month from each trimester of this pregnancy. Let’s play around with them, shall we?

proof, on film

NOTICING

Ever experienced a feeling so big it doesn’t quite fit a category? Lately (for the last 10 months), laughter can turn into sobbing like it reaches a maximum altitude and has to reverse course. One moment the joke is funny and the next it is the root of a lifetime’s worth of rage. I get it: erratic emotions + pregnant = nothing new. Yes, the hormones. Yes, remodeling of every bodily system all at once. And… I’m noticing an ability to experience more. To hold more of everything I knew and way more of the unknown. A past version of me described this process as “cataclysmic uncertainty.” Which is dramatic, but exactly the right amount of drama for my taste. I like to say I’m comfortable navigating ambiguity — in interviews and in front of the university students I teach. The universe likes to call my bluff.

LISTENING

In the spirit of navigating a Big Uncertain Life Change (I deleted Scary, because abundance mindset?), I am trying to listen to myself. It started to feel like everyone had an opinion on what I should do and what I should buy, so I deleted all the social apps off my phone and stopped asking people for advice. Between moving into a new house and preparing for a new human, there were a few months where purchasing things felt like my main purpose. Not just random things, the “right” things that would make me cool and prepared and likeable and a good parent. I despise that it is so easy to fall for the “this thing will fix me” propaganda. A recent mantra: Objects are not a personality.

Alternative solution: Move to a remote Sicilian village where they have never heard of Jeff Bezos or his website.

PRACTICING

Believing in someone with my whole heart is a form of life-changing magic. I’m trying to practice that and ask for it in return, especially in partnership. Something I have to learn over and over again is the power of my own mindset. I am great at clocking the energy other people are bringing to the function. Sometimes not so great at taking responsibility for the way I’m showing up and the impact it has on my nearest and dearest. I’m learning! Going on three years of lifelong partnership and nothing is figured out but it is getting better all the time. This quote by James Baldwin echos the truth back to me when I need reminding.

MARVELING

Now for my favorite part. Random bits and bobs that feel worth sharing.

• My mom says “thank you” to the GPS when it gives her directions and to anyone who lets her merge on the highway. Thought the world needed to know.

• Whimsy and fancifulness and silly little luxuries. I can’t stop marveling at the little ways we make life more bearable for ourselves and each other. “Have a great day :)” in sharpie on a coffee cup. “Look at that bird!” out a meeting window. Tell me your cute human moments in the comments please.

• Packing cubes. Particularly the ones that squish things down. Just as helpful for a weekend away or a two-week trip to Australia. I know I said I’m done buying things but perhaps you’re traveling for the holidays? Need a gift idea for an Earth sign in your life?

• Life experiences inspiring random creative artifacts. I got a subtle rainbow pride manicure in June and made a color palette out of it as a memory. See below.

• Ceiling murals. Our house has super high ceilings and I’m casually saving potential future directions. Open to ideas, of course.

my entire personality in June, especially the matcha thumb

So, I’m back, for now. Did I ever really leave? I was with you in the mundane moments when you noticed delight. In the way you decided to be gentle with yourself after messing up. When you practiced believing in your brilliance. And of course, that time that you remembered it actually is… all learning.

The next time you hear from me this baby will be on the outside. My initiation into motherhood won’t be hypothetical. Accepting all the well wishes as I walk through this wild portal. Until then, keep a record of what you’re learning, I want to hear all about it.